When a porcupine is scared, the "hairs" stands up!! And it pokes anything that's in the way regardless of whether there was a deliberate attack or the item just happened to be in the path.
So often it gets stuck with leaves, items that get stuck in its hair. And then someone has to clean it off or it has to find someway to remove the items.
Feels that way for me. When I am in fear, when I am scared - scared of rejection, scared of the pain that comes along with rejection etc, my spikes goes up!
And I end up pricking or scratching those that's around me.
I miss his company and chats. I feel somewhat sad. At the same time I also feel a sense of relief that he is no longer talking to me. The seeming pain that I feel no longer threatens the peace in my world.
And this is when I get more depressed. Cos the devil starts telling me in first person how useless I am, that I cannot even get along with someone of the opposite sex. What a failure I am. And how I would never be able to overcome this fear and so I would never be able to find my life partner.
He also whispers that the counsellor is right - I cause fear and pain. I push people away. How endearing can that be for a guy to want to stick around?
A guy who perhaps has his own issues might. Cos he too has fears so he puts up with shit that others give to him in hopes that they would put up with his issues.
At least that was how I functioned. N it got me nowhere.
Just pain, sadness, hopelessness, fear, distrust, feeling undesirable nor wanted.
I really need to break this vicious cycle.
God said that I AM a masterpiece. My abba father said that I am PRECIOUS!! I am His Handiwork!
He says He knows His plans for me and they are plans for hope and a future!
Jesus came and paid the price for me. How can I Tink that I am worthless?! How can I Tink that I am useless and unlovable?!
Why would I even bother getting jealous when God knows His plans for me?!
Whoever that he brings along my path would be someone whom He thinks is good and has the potential. So why worry that Jeann would steal Leonard away?!
If they end up getting together then they were meant to be! He wasn't meant to be with me! Cos God knows it all!
So why bother feeling jealous?! Why bother trying to fight and fend for myself?!
I don't know. I really don't know Lord. And I am really struggling with that jealousy. Logically it doesn't make sense. And I am in no position to nor have a right to. Yet I feel that way. Why?!
Why Lord?!
I do not want to be destroyed by my emotions. But it's so hard. There are so many tots. N they are all not good.
Why should I even bow out of the "game"?! Why?
Cos I am not good enough? That's a LIE! I AM good enough. I am worthy of someone's attention. I AM more precious than rubies.
I am loving, caring, compassionate, kind and gentle. The Holy Spirit lives in me!! So He manifests the fruit of the spirit!
Oh Lord. Help me!
“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.
When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”
Galatians 5:16-17, 19-23 NLT
http://bible.com/116/gal.5.16-17,19-23.nlt
