Gratefulness

Same time 2 years ago, I was struggling with my finances, coping with withdrawal from the anti-depressants I was taking. And same time last year, I was troubled with relationships and feeling unworthy and hopeless.

Sitting in front of the computer typing this today, I feel really grateful. I realised that I am a different me from 2 years ago. And alot of angst, issues, insecurities that I had back then (and many years back) are suddenly gone!

I feel much lighter, not so upset and annoyed when people dont do things the right way, etc.

I really dont know what changed. I only know I feel different. I also noticed that I am different. I am able to think a little clearer. I am aware of what affected me in some of the past situations. eg. in office, why I had been so upset with some stuff - cos I felt displaced. I am a Producer yet I felt that I was treated like an Associate Producer like the "kids". Yet I did not belong with them cos I didnt do all the "cool" things that they did.

And I didnt belong in senior management cos I didnt have the experience they wanted and I also felt belittled by my colleagues. Till today, I still find her uncooperative and fake. She tries to garner support through buying people stuff and boasting about all the "cool" things she does.

I just keep quiet and go about with my own stuff. I do not feel a need to have to show off. And yes, I do sometimes feel left out. Cos they do not include me in their activities. I do feel hurt. But I do not feel too alone anymore.

It hit me during Karen Mok's concert that I no longer have painful emotions when her sad mandarin/cantonese songs are being played.

It also occurred to me when reading Steven Furtick's book that there is nothing to fear. Those are all just conversations in my mind. What's most important is how God thinks of me. What He HAS said about me and what He is willing to do and HAS done FOR me!

There are still what ifs happening, but I feel that I am in so much a better place now that I was 2, 3, 4 years back.

Thank you Jesus!

What do I want?

There are so many things I want and some of them are inter related. 

Eg work and housing 

I want a house that is as big as my old condo - Park East. Which I can access the swimming pool daily without worrying what time it opens and ends. That I can finish my workout and head to shower without hassle, in a clean bathroom of my own home. 

I want the house to be close to my sister so it is easy to visit. Whether it is for her to visit or my mom to visit. 

I also want the house to be close to transport so that I don't have to worry how I need to get to work or anywhere. 

And this links to my job. 

I want a job that would pay me enough for me to have a house like that. As well as get a car. 

That would mean I need to be paid well and have pay increases. Not like the average Singaporean earning drips and drapes each month. 

I want a job that the company doesn't stinge on things and take good care of the employee. So I don't have to worry about saving up for the rainy day cos I know my company has already taken care of my health payments. 

I want a job that has a nice workplace where I am accepted. Even if it is not my everyone but at least a group of them where I can feel connected. Currently I feel so out of place. I am not amongst the senior staff although my age is of that. Yet I am not among the junior staff cos I find them too childish. 

I want a job where I am appreciated. I don't need compliments and pats on the back. But to let me have my break when I need it cos I have been doing a good job. And to reward me monetarily cos I have contributed. 

Right now having to fight for what was promised feels as though I am not valuable enough so I have to fight and proof my worth. 

It doesn't matter whether it is banking or it is media. I am gifted to be able to function and enjoy both industries. It's the environment that matters more to me. 

What do I do oh Lord? Do I try to get into banking, in a role that I do not want (eg rm or marketing) or do I move to another bigger production company which might have better employee benefits. 

Last but not least, I really want a job that needs me to travel. I want to travel. 

Daddy God, what do I do? 

I want a job that pays me at least $4.8k a month with bonus. And an increase each year so I can eventually earn $6-8k a month. 

I want a job where the office is nice and big, where I have proper desks. Where there is a pantry, a fridge, where I can keep my food. 

I want a job where the office building has nice toilets they are well kept and not squat toilets. And the location is easy to get to by MRT. 

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So help me lord. 

This is but the 2 things that i want materially. 

Last but not least, relationship. I want to be healed and whole. Am I lord? I still seem to have heaps of insecurities and fears. Who do I listen to? Everyone seems to want to tell me what to do and how to do things. Can they all just leave me alone?! Don't they know that You are already teaching me?! And it's been a tough enough journey?! 

I want someone to love me, enjoy my company, enjoy doing things together with me. Someone who misses me when we are not together. 

I don't know. Am I in a dream world? 

Someone who wants to cook for me, clean for me, clean with me, eat what I cook, appreciate me for keeping the place clean and helping me to keep our home clean. 

Someone who can do the things that I can't. Someone who enjoys doing the things that I can't. Someone who wants to do the things that I can't. 

Someone to have dinner with, laugh with me, watch movies with me, discuss things about life, laugh about how silly others are, travel the world and enjoy the world with me. 

Someone to hold to sleep at night. Someone who wants to hold me to sleep at night. Someone who looks forward to meeting me after a long day's work. 

That's what I want. 

And that someone also needs to love Jesus, show me more of Jesus, point me back to Jesus whenever I forget. Encourage me and remind me how good God is, how much He loves me. 

Daddy God, am I wrong to ask of all these? Is it too much to ask? Is that being needy? Am I using the man to fill the gap that only You can fill? 

I'm afraid of doing all of that. Cos I do not wish to replace you. I want You to be first. But I don't really know if I am placing You first. I don't know if I am doing things right. And when people come along to correct me, there's so many and everyone has their opinions and when all of that adds up, it just seems like too much to do. 

Help me lord. Lead me and guide me lord. 

Angry

I'm really angry. 

All because some people do not listen. My prayer for open doors is to financial compliance. Yet all the news I received today (or last few days) are all negative. Bloody wet blanket. 

I hate it. Makes me angry! 

Why can't anyone encourage me?! 

Already my situation isn't the best.  

And what more, the bloody air ticket for  Mel's wedding cannot be refunded. Pissed me off even more! 

A death happened. So the wedding is cancelled. Why can't they be nice and refund me on goodwill! It's not like I didn't wana travel there! 

I will make a last call tomorrow. And fine! If I can't get the refund then I shall leave it as is. Not going to bother. 

If I get to go to South Africa with Cheryl, I won't even bother about the $280. But it's just ridiculous!

As if I don't have other things to worry about or get upset about. 

😡

I read Steven furtick's book and it makes me upset too! 

I wonder if I really should be moving jobs! I do like some of the things I enjoy yet I really hate some things I do and the worst is that I cannot see any future in this job! Especially not one where I will see my pay increase cos people are just not willing to pay in this industry. 

I need help. I really don't know what to do. God help me.