Gratefulness

Same time 2 years ago, I was struggling with my finances, coping with withdrawal from the anti-depressants I was taking. And same time last year, I was troubled with relationships and feeling unworthy and hopeless.

Sitting in front of the computer typing this today, I feel really grateful. I realised that I am a different me from 2 years ago. And alot of angst, issues, insecurities that I had back then (and many years back) are suddenly gone!

I feel much lighter, not so upset and annoyed when people dont do things the right way, etc.

I really dont know what changed. I only know I feel different. I also noticed that I am different. I am able to think a little clearer. I am aware of what affected me in some of the past situations. eg. in office, why I had been so upset with some stuff - cos I felt displaced. I am a Producer yet I felt that I was treated like an Associate Producer like the "kids". Yet I did not belong with them cos I didnt do all the "cool" things that they did.

And I didnt belong in senior management cos I didnt have the experience they wanted and I also felt belittled by my colleagues. Till today, I still find her uncooperative and fake. She tries to garner support through buying people stuff and boasting about all the "cool" things she does.

I just keep quiet and go about with my own stuff. I do not feel a need to have to show off. And yes, I do sometimes feel left out. Cos they do not include me in their activities. I do feel hurt. But I do not feel too alone anymore.

It hit me during Karen Mok's concert that I no longer have painful emotions when her sad mandarin/cantonese songs are being played.

It also occurred to me when reading Steven Furtick's book that there is nothing to fear. Those are all just conversations in my mind. What's most important is how God thinks of me. What He HAS said about me and what He is willing to do and HAS done FOR me!

There are still what ifs happening, but I feel that I am in so much a better place now that I was 2, 3, 4 years back.

Thank you Jesus!