Soul mate/ Suddenly Seventeen

Most would read the title and think it is about relationships - BGR relationships. But no. This is about a China production called Soul Mate 七月与安生。
Its about 2 girls and their friendship since they were 13. Made me miss my friend Julie heaps. She's been long gone. Since 17. I wonder how life would have been like if she did not pass away. More so, if her mom was not so insistent to separate us. I wonder how my life would have ended up. She was a friend that I had that I loved. She gave me courage to do things that I never did. I guess in many ways, she was the one who taught me how to rebel.

Time flies. Although I do not feel nor look 40-41, 20 odd years has already flown past. All the past hurts and pains have also dulled with time. I do wonder what my life would have been like if we had not been separated. Would she still have died?

If that didnt happen, would I still have gone to JC? What would I have become like? Would I have gone overseas? And would I have made all the choices that I made 20 odd years ago?

My daughter probably would be turning 21 this year.

And the Movie Suddenly Seventeen just brings back regrets. So many things that I loved that I gave up. I love music. I love playing the piano. But I have no time. I waste it watching korean dramas, US dramas and doing everything that is unuseful.

20 odd years have passed. I have not formed a family. Neither have I struck it rich. Nor do I have a great body to show. I am not at the peak of my career either. And "climbing" the corporate ladder is really tiring. I keep wanting to give up.

I know all takes time. But i keep feeling that I have no time.

There are so many things that I want to do. The way I respond, the choices I want to make. Yet somehow in reality the way I respond is so different from what I had in mind. The choices I make is so different from what I want. Why?

I have been crying out for help but yet I seem to have achieved none.

Lord, am I lacking? Have I not given my best? Then what should I do? What should I change? Help me to change Lord. I do not want to live this life like this for the next 40-80 years.

I want to do what I love, yet I do not know what it is. I do love the chinese language. In fact, I have a certain perfection that I like in my life that just cos I fall short of it I give up.

Help me Holy Spirit. I cannot keep giving up. I cannot keep running away. No matter how difficult, I need to press on. Help!

Peace trust & patience

It has not been an easy journey the last few years. Actually since I broke up with toulia it has not been easy. I had trust issues. Not with men but with God.  

It started with not trusting Him to deliver in relationships but slowly it spread to all other areas of my life. Although I saw His miracles, I no longer believed in Him fully. 

I think that made my life quite miserable. I fell into depression. Of vis there were events that catalyst the situation. But if my journey, my relationship with God was slightly different, with more trust, perhaps life wouldn't have been so difficult. 

Regardless, although I am not where I want to be, I am also not where I once was. 

I'm pretty sure that God is teaching me something during the whole time. Not sure how much i learnt and when I started to be open and teachable. But I DO know that I AM learning. And I am thankful. It is not my doing but His. I couldn't be,p me learn if He didn't soften my heart. 

I guess I kinda understand the phrase people often use "coming to the end of self". I really can't see how I can improve my situations. 

In relationships - with so many failed relationships and nothing on the horizon PLUS failed attempts of starting a relationship with Jeremy, Melvin, Leonard, you name it, I am sick and tired. Something has gotta change. I got start being nicer to people, not judge so much. Cos any time, actually often, I have been in their shoes. Done something that was not the norm and probably pissed people off. Eg taking elderly seats when I am too tired. Not giving up my seat when I see a need coz I just didn't want to. 

So why should I have the luxury to do all that while others don't?

I also reply too fast. Faster than I can understand what I am feeling or what I want to say. And I fall into the trap of answering s question even if it's a dumb question, rather than directing the conversation so it goes where I want it to. 

There's is nothing else that I can do in the area of relationship. No matter what I do, say or buy, I. Ant more favour than I do now - in the office with my colleagues, with the people that I work with on projects, in my Cg, with men, etc. If God doesn't provide the favour, nothing is possible. Nothing is smooth. It all becomes too difficult. Sometimes so difficult that I don't even want to try to reach out to others. 

And same for my job. It's closed doors. I KNOW He can provide. I KNOW He can open doors. But hey are all shut. So..... Surrender. Not only to the job, but also the responsibilities that I have been given. Even if I don't like it, don't believe I can do well, nor am I given much, my trust lies in God. Only He can provide. Favour, jobs, whatever, u name it. 

Only He can help me overcome. Only He can fill me with the ideas. 

With this new concert project, I guess I realise that I am quite ok Foong budgets and getting things moving.  I don't hold it to people for their lack of response or delayed response. I understand that that is how they are, and I learn to deal with them. I push people for an answer. A job that many don't like coz they don't want to take blame. Nor do they like to. One across as pushy. 

Oh wells, I can only look at one day at a time. KNOW that my choices today impact my tomorrow and many years down the road. Understand that there will be dreams that have passed and never return. 

But also know that my God, my Abba Father is a God of miracles. Nothing is impossible for Him.  So He CAN cause miracles to happen. And I will trust in Him. If He hasn't moved, then it's not time yet or there's no need. 

Thanks You Abba for loving me. Thank you Jesus for coming as man to suffer and die for me. Thank You that the Holy Spirit is always here beside me to guide me, comfort me, and protect me. 

Amen! 

I trust you

Even though I have questions. Even though I am hurting. Even though I am disappointed, I trust You! 

I trust that You love me. You are my Vindicator. You will set the records straight. Even though people might have been blinded by their own glasses or fears or whatever other issues, You will set the record right if there is a need to. 

And if I don't see the record being set right, doesn't mean You are not doing anything. Doesn't mean I am not good enough. 

I AM good enough. You love me. I AM Your Masterpiece, Your Handiwork, Beautifully crafted and made. 

And You WILL teach me to love the people that You made - believers or not yet believers. 

You Will bring my husband to me. You DO have a husband who will love me for who I am and accept me for how I am. 

I don't know if Melvin was a setup by the devil or You and why it didn't work out or if we are really wrong for each other or there is work we both need to work on that's why we had clashed so early on. 

Whatever it is, I KNOW that if it is in Your plans for us to be together, You WILL bring us back together again. And by YOUR GRACE this time it WILL work. We WILL know how to love and respect one another. 

I KNOW You KNOW my disappointments, You FEEL my hurts and pains and You HAVE provided comfort to me. You are providing encouragement to me. And You ARE helping me overcome the unuseful mindsets and habits that's hurting the people around me - friend or stranger. 

I AM loveable, lovely, kind, gentle and fun to be with. I AM worth the efforts of a man sacrificing his time and pursuing me. 

I AM WORTH it! 

Thank You Jesus, for loving me, for dying for me, for taking my sins and illnesses on Your body and dying on the cross. 

Painful peaceful

It's painful cos it's another disappointment. Nothing to do with the person. It's my disappointment that just hurts cos the chatter seems to say "I am useless" "I always stuff up" "see, no point trying cos I never succeed". "Just give up" "You are never going to find a mate" "God can't find anyone who would take you". 

Yes it was a disappointment. Yes it feels like the end of the world and I messed up again. 

But I know I am not where I used to. I am better now at communicating. Still not where I want to be but God's grace will provide me the wisdom and the tenacity for it to eventually totally be a fact. 

Also, messing up doesn't mean that I am useless. It just means that I did not succeed this time. 

There will be another next time. God is not going to forsake me and give up on me just because I didn't behave the way that I should have. There's no should haves for God. He loves me just the way I am. He created me. He knew of the mess that I would make. He still loves me. 

And I know He has someone for me. Maybe I am not ready so I can't see the person. Maybe the person is not ready so he can't see me. But He HAS someone for me and at the right time we will meet. We may have challenges but He will help ha overcome them. By Hia grace we shall have favour with one another. 

Not sure why Melvin was introduced into my life. But I'm sure He has His reasons and I might realise it later or never. Whatever it is, my only prayer is that I get over the why and learn the what that God wants me to learn. 

Praise Jesus that His presence is all around. 

Yes I can see God reaching out to me. Drawing me to Him. Comforting me. 

Thanks You Jesus. 

Gratefulness

Same time 2 years ago, I was struggling with my finances, coping with withdrawal from the anti-depressants I was taking. And same time last year, I was troubled with relationships and feeling unworthy and hopeless.

Sitting in front of the computer typing this today, I feel really grateful. I realised that I am a different me from 2 years ago. And alot of angst, issues, insecurities that I had back then (and many years back) are suddenly gone!

I feel much lighter, not so upset and annoyed when people dont do things the right way, etc.

I really dont know what changed. I only know I feel different. I also noticed that I am different. I am able to think a little clearer. I am aware of what affected me in some of the past situations. eg. in office, why I had been so upset with some stuff - cos I felt displaced. I am a Producer yet I felt that I was treated like an Associate Producer like the "kids". Yet I did not belong with them cos I didnt do all the "cool" things that they did.

And I didnt belong in senior management cos I didnt have the experience they wanted and I also felt belittled by my colleagues. Till today, I still find her uncooperative and fake. She tries to garner support through buying people stuff and boasting about all the "cool" things she does.

I just keep quiet and go about with my own stuff. I do not feel a need to have to show off. And yes, I do sometimes feel left out. Cos they do not include me in their activities. I do feel hurt. But I do not feel too alone anymore.

It hit me during Karen Mok's concert that I no longer have painful emotions when her sad mandarin/cantonese songs are being played.

It also occurred to me when reading Steven Furtick's book that there is nothing to fear. Those are all just conversations in my mind. What's most important is how God thinks of me. What He HAS said about me and what He is willing to do and HAS done FOR me!

There are still what ifs happening, but I feel that I am in so much a better place now that I was 2, 3, 4 years back.

Thank you Jesus!

What do I want?

There are so many things I want and some of them are inter related. 

Eg work and housing 

I want a house that is as big as my old condo - Park East. Which I can access the swimming pool daily without worrying what time it opens and ends. That I can finish my workout and head to shower without hassle, in a clean bathroom of my own home. 

I want the house to be close to my sister so it is easy to visit. Whether it is for her to visit or my mom to visit. 

I also want the house to be close to transport so that I don't have to worry how I need to get to work or anywhere. 

And this links to my job. 

I want a job that would pay me enough for me to have a house like that. As well as get a car. 

That would mean I need to be paid well and have pay increases. Not like the average Singaporean earning drips and drapes each month. 

I want a job that the company doesn't stinge on things and take good care of the employee. So I don't have to worry about saving up for the rainy day cos I know my company has already taken care of my health payments. 

I want a job that has a nice workplace where I am accepted. Even if it is not my everyone but at least a group of them where I can feel connected. Currently I feel so out of place. I am not amongst the senior staff although my age is of that. Yet I am not among the junior staff cos I find them too childish. 

I want a job where I am appreciated. I don't need compliments and pats on the back. But to let me have my break when I need it cos I have been doing a good job. And to reward me monetarily cos I have contributed. 

Right now having to fight for what was promised feels as though I am not valuable enough so I have to fight and proof my worth. 

It doesn't matter whether it is banking or it is media. I am gifted to be able to function and enjoy both industries. It's the environment that matters more to me. 

What do I do oh Lord? Do I try to get into banking, in a role that I do not want (eg rm or marketing) or do I move to another bigger production company which might have better employee benefits. 

Last but not least, I really want a job that needs me to travel. I want to travel. 

Daddy God, what do I do? 

I want a job that pays me at least $4.8k a month with bonus. And an increase each year so I can eventually earn $6-8k a month. 

I want a job where the office is nice and big, where I have proper desks. Where there is a pantry, a fridge, where I can keep my food. 

I want a job where the office building has nice toilets they are well kept and not squat toilets. And the location is easy to get to by MRT. 

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So help me lord. 

This is but the 2 things that i want materially. 

Last but not least, relationship. I want to be healed and whole. Am I lord? I still seem to have heaps of insecurities and fears. Who do I listen to? Everyone seems to want to tell me what to do and how to do things. Can they all just leave me alone?! Don't they know that You are already teaching me?! And it's been a tough enough journey?! 

I want someone to love me, enjoy my company, enjoy doing things together with me. Someone who misses me when we are not together. 

I don't know. Am I in a dream world? 

Someone who wants to cook for me, clean for me, clean with me, eat what I cook, appreciate me for keeping the place clean and helping me to keep our home clean. 

Someone who can do the things that I can't. Someone who enjoys doing the things that I can't. Someone who wants to do the things that I can't. 

Someone to have dinner with, laugh with me, watch movies with me, discuss things about life, laugh about how silly others are, travel the world and enjoy the world with me. 

Someone to hold to sleep at night. Someone who wants to hold me to sleep at night. Someone who looks forward to meeting me after a long day's work. 

That's what I want. 

And that someone also needs to love Jesus, show me more of Jesus, point me back to Jesus whenever I forget. Encourage me and remind me how good God is, how much He loves me. 

Daddy God, am I wrong to ask of all these? Is it too much to ask? Is that being needy? Am I using the man to fill the gap that only You can fill? 

I'm afraid of doing all of that. Cos I do not wish to replace you. I want You to be first. But I don't really know if I am placing You first. I don't know if I am doing things right. And when people come along to correct me, there's so many and everyone has their opinions and when all of that adds up, it just seems like too much to do. 

Help me lord. Lead me and guide me lord. 

Angry

I'm really angry. 

All because some people do not listen. My prayer for open doors is to financial compliance. Yet all the news I received today (or last few days) are all negative. Bloody wet blanket. 

I hate it. Makes me angry! 

Why can't anyone encourage me?! 

Already my situation isn't the best.  

And what more, the bloody air ticket for  Mel's wedding cannot be refunded. Pissed me off even more! 

A death happened. So the wedding is cancelled. Why can't they be nice and refund me on goodwill! It's not like I didn't wana travel there! 

I will make a last call tomorrow. And fine! If I can't get the refund then I shall leave it as is. Not going to bother. 

If I get to go to South Africa with Cheryl, I won't even bother about the $280. But it's just ridiculous!

As if I don't have other things to worry about or get upset about. 

😡

I read Steven furtick's book and it makes me upset too! 

I wonder if I really should be moving jobs! I do like some of the things I enjoy yet I really hate some things I do and the worst is that I cannot see any future in this job! Especially not one where I will see my pay increase cos people are just not willing to pay in this industry. 

I need help. I really don't know what to do. God help me.