Soul mate/ Suddenly Seventeen

Most would read the title and think it is about relationships - BGR relationships. But no. This is about a China production called Soul Mate 七月与安生。
Its about 2 girls and their friendship since they were 13. Made me miss my friend Julie heaps. She's been long gone. Since 17. I wonder how life would have been like if she did not pass away. More so, if her mom was not so insistent to separate us. I wonder how my life would have ended up. She was a friend that I had that I loved. She gave me courage to do things that I never did. I guess in many ways, she was the one who taught me how to rebel.

Time flies. Although I do not feel nor look 40-41, 20 odd years has already flown past. All the past hurts and pains have also dulled with time. I do wonder what my life would have been like if we had not been separated. Would she still have died?

If that didnt happen, would I still have gone to JC? What would I have become like? Would I have gone overseas? And would I have made all the choices that I made 20 odd years ago?

My daughter probably would be turning 21 this year.

And the Movie Suddenly Seventeen just brings back regrets. So many things that I loved that I gave up. I love music. I love playing the piano. But I have no time. I waste it watching korean dramas, US dramas and doing everything that is unuseful.

20 odd years have passed. I have not formed a family. Neither have I struck it rich. Nor do I have a great body to show. I am not at the peak of my career either. And "climbing" the corporate ladder is really tiring. I keep wanting to give up.

I know all takes time. But i keep feeling that I have no time.

There are so many things that I want to do. The way I respond, the choices I want to make. Yet somehow in reality the way I respond is so different from what I had in mind. The choices I make is so different from what I want. Why?

I have been crying out for help but yet I seem to have achieved none.

Lord, am I lacking? Have I not given my best? Then what should I do? What should I change? Help me to change Lord. I do not want to live this life like this for the next 40-80 years.

I want to do what I love, yet I do not know what it is. I do love the chinese language. In fact, I have a certain perfection that I like in my life that just cos I fall short of it I give up.

Help me Holy Spirit. I cannot keep giving up. I cannot keep running away. No matter how difficult, I need to press on. Help!

Peace trust & patience

It has not been an easy journey the last few years. Actually since I broke up with toulia it has not been easy. I had trust issues. Not with men but with God.  

It started with not trusting Him to deliver in relationships but slowly it spread to all other areas of my life. Although I saw His miracles, I no longer believed in Him fully. 

I think that made my life quite miserable. I fell into depression. Of vis there were events that catalyst the situation. But if my journey, my relationship with God was slightly different, with more trust, perhaps life wouldn't have been so difficult. 

Regardless, although I am not where I want to be, I am also not where I once was. 

I'm pretty sure that God is teaching me something during the whole time. Not sure how much i learnt and when I started to be open and teachable. But I DO know that I AM learning. And I am thankful. It is not my doing but His. I couldn't be,p me learn if He didn't soften my heart. 

I guess I kinda understand the phrase people often use "coming to the end of self". I really can't see how I can improve my situations. 

In relationships - with so many failed relationships and nothing on the horizon PLUS failed attempts of starting a relationship with Jeremy, Melvin, Leonard, you name it, I am sick and tired. Something has gotta change. I got start being nicer to people, not judge so much. Cos any time, actually often, I have been in their shoes. Done something that was not the norm and probably pissed people off. Eg taking elderly seats when I am too tired. Not giving up my seat when I see a need coz I just didn't want to. 

So why should I have the luxury to do all that while others don't?

I also reply too fast. Faster than I can understand what I am feeling or what I want to say. And I fall into the trap of answering s question even if it's a dumb question, rather than directing the conversation so it goes where I want it to. 

There's is nothing else that I can do in the area of relationship. No matter what I do, say or buy, I. Ant more favour than I do now - in the office with my colleagues, with the people that I work with on projects, in my Cg, with men, etc. If God doesn't provide the favour, nothing is possible. Nothing is smooth. It all becomes too difficult. Sometimes so difficult that I don't even want to try to reach out to others. 

And same for my job. It's closed doors. I KNOW He can provide. I KNOW He can open doors. But hey are all shut. So..... Surrender. Not only to the job, but also the responsibilities that I have been given. Even if I don't like it, don't believe I can do well, nor am I given much, my trust lies in God. Only He can provide. Favour, jobs, whatever, u name it. 

Only He can help me overcome. Only He can fill me with the ideas. 

With this new concert project, I guess I realise that I am quite ok Foong budgets and getting things moving.  I don't hold it to people for their lack of response or delayed response. I understand that that is how they are, and I learn to deal with them. I push people for an answer. A job that many don't like coz they don't want to take blame. Nor do they like to. One across as pushy. 

Oh wells, I can only look at one day at a time. KNOW that my choices today impact my tomorrow and many years down the road. Understand that there will be dreams that have passed and never return. 

But also know that my God, my Abba Father is a God of miracles. Nothing is impossible for Him.  So He CAN cause miracles to happen. And I will trust in Him. If He hasn't moved, then it's not time yet or there's no need. 

Thanks You Abba for loving me. Thank you Jesus for coming as man to suffer and die for me. Thank You that the Holy Spirit is always here beside me to guide me, comfort me, and protect me. 

Amen! 

I trust you

Even though I have questions. Even though I am hurting. Even though I am disappointed, I trust You! 

I trust that You love me. You are my Vindicator. You will set the records straight. Even though people might have been blinded by their own glasses or fears or whatever other issues, You will set the record right if there is a need to. 

And if I don't see the record being set right, doesn't mean You are not doing anything. Doesn't mean I am not good enough. 

I AM good enough. You love me. I AM Your Masterpiece, Your Handiwork, Beautifully crafted and made. 

And You WILL teach me to love the people that You made - believers or not yet believers. 

You Will bring my husband to me. You DO have a husband who will love me for who I am and accept me for how I am. 

I don't know if Melvin was a setup by the devil or You and why it didn't work out or if we are really wrong for each other or there is work we both need to work on that's why we had clashed so early on. 

Whatever it is, I KNOW that if it is in Your plans for us to be together, You WILL bring us back together again. And by YOUR GRACE this time it WILL work. We WILL know how to love and respect one another. 

I KNOW You KNOW my disappointments, You FEEL my hurts and pains and You HAVE provided comfort to me. You are providing encouragement to me. And You ARE helping me overcome the unuseful mindsets and habits that's hurting the people around me - friend or stranger. 

I AM loveable, lovely, kind, gentle and fun to be with. I AM worth the efforts of a man sacrificing his time and pursuing me. 

I AM WORTH it! 

Thank You Jesus, for loving me, for dying for me, for taking my sins and illnesses on Your body and dying on the cross. 

Painful peaceful

It's painful cos it's another disappointment. Nothing to do with the person. It's my disappointment that just hurts cos the chatter seems to say "I am useless" "I always stuff up" "see, no point trying cos I never succeed". "Just give up" "You are never going to find a mate" "God can't find anyone who would take you". 

Yes it was a disappointment. Yes it feels like the end of the world and I messed up again. 

But I know I am not where I used to. I am better now at communicating. Still not where I want to be but God's grace will provide me the wisdom and the tenacity for it to eventually totally be a fact. 

Also, messing up doesn't mean that I am useless. It just means that I did not succeed this time. 

There will be another next time. God is not going to forsake me and give up on me just because I didn't behave the way that I should have. There's no should haves for God. He loves me just the way I am. He created me. He knew of the mess that I would make. He still loves me. 

And I know He has someone for me. Maybe I am not ready so I can't see the person. Maybe the person is not ready so he can't see me. But He HAS someone for me and at the right time we will meet. We may have challenges but He will help ha overcome them. By Hia grace we shall have favour with one another. 

Not sure why Melvin was introduced into my life. But I'm sure He has His reasons and I might realise it later or never. Whatever it is, my only prayer is that I get over the why and learn the what that God wants me to learn. 

Praise Jesus that His presence is all around. 

Yes I can see God reaching out to me. Drawing me to Him. Comforting me. 

Thanks You Jesus. 

Gratefulness

Same time 2 years ago, I was struggling with my finances, coping with withdrawal from the anti-depressants I was taking. And same time last year, I was troubled with relationships and feeling unworthy and hopeless.

Sitting in front of the computer typing this today, I feel really grateful. I realised that I am a different me from 2 years ago. And alot of angst, issues, insecurities that I had back then (and many years back) are suddenly gone!

I feel much lighter, not so upset and annoyed when people dont do things the right way, etc.

I really dont know what changed. I only know I feel different. I also noticed that I am different. I am able to think a little clearer. I am aware of what affected me in some of the past situations. eg. in office, why I had been so upset with some stuff - cos I felt displaced. I am a Producer yet I felt that I was treated like an Associate Producer like the "kids". Yet I did not belong with them cos I didnt do all the "cool" things that they did.

And I didnt belong in senior management cos I didnt have the experience they wanted and I also felt belittled by my colleagues. Till today, I still find her uncooperative and fake. She tries to garner support through buying people stuff and boasting about all the "cool" things she does.

I just keep quiet and go about with my own stuff. I do not feel a need to have to show off. And yes, I do sometimes feel left out. Cos they do not include me in their activities. I do feel hurt. But I do not feel too alone anymore.

It hit me during Karen Mok's concert that I no longer have painful emotions when her sad mandarin/cantonese songs are being played.

It also occurred to me when reading Steven Furtick's book that there is nothing to fear. Those are all just conversations in my mind. What's most important is how God thinks of me. What He HAS said about me and what He is willing to do and HAS done FOR me!

There are still what ifs happening, but I feel that I am in so much a better place now that I was 2, 3, 4 years back.

Thank you Jesus!

What do I want?

There are so many things I want and some of them are inter related. 

Eg work and housing 

I want a house that is as big as my old condo - Park East. Which I can access the swimming pool daily without worrying what time it opens and ends. That I can finish my workout and head to shower without hassle, in a clean bathroom of my own home. 

I want the house to be close to my sister so it is easy to visit. Whether it is for her to visit or my mom to visit. 

I also want the house to be close to transport so that I don't have to worry how I need to get to work or anywhere. 

And this links to my job. 

I want a job that would pay me enough for me to have a house like that. As well as get a car. 

That would mean I need to be paid well and have pay increases. Not like the average Singaporean earning drips and drapes each month. 

I want a job that the company doesn't stinge on things and take good care of the employee. So I don't have to worry about saving up for the rainy day cos I know my company has already taken care of my health payments. 

I want a job that has a nice workplace where I am accepted. Even if it is not my everyone but at least a group of them where I can feel connected. Currently I feel so out of place. I am not amongst the senior staff although my age is of that. Yet I am not among the junior staff cos I find them too childish. 

I want a job where I am appreciated. I don't need compliments and pats on the back. But to let me have my break when I need it cos I have been doing a good job. And to reward me monetarily cos I have contributed. 

Right now having to fight for what was promised feels as though I am not valuable enough so I have to fight and proof my worth. 

It doesn't matter whether it is banking or it is media. I am gifted to be able to function and enjoy both industries. It's the environment that matters more to me. 

What do I do oh Lord? Do I try to get into banking, in a role that I do not want (eg rm or marketing) or do I move to another bigger production company which might have better employee benefits. 

Last but not least, I really want a job that needs me to travel. I want to travel. 

Daddy God, what do I do? 

I want a job that pays me at least $4.8k a month with bonus. And an increase each year so I can eventually earn $6-8k a month. 

I want a job where the office is nice and big, where I have proper desks. Where there is a pantry, a fridge, where I can keep my food. 

I want a job where the office building has nice toilets they are well kept and not squat toilets. And the location is easy to get to by MRT. 

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So help me lord. 

This is but the 2 things that i want materially. 

Last but not least, relationship. I want to be healed and whole. Am I lord? I still seem to have heaps of insecurities and fears. Who do I listen to? Everyone seems to want to tell me what to do and how to do things. Can they all just leave me alone?! Don't they know that You are already teaching me?! And it's been a tough enough journey?! 

I want someone to love me, enjoy my company, enjoy doing things together with me. Someone who misses me when we are not together. 

I don't know. Am I in a dream world? 

Someone who wants to cook for me, clean for me, clean with me, eat what I cook, appreciate me for keeping the place clean and helping me to keep our home clean. 

Someone who can do the things that I can't. Someone who enjoys doing the things that I can't. Someone who wants to do the things that I can't. 

Someone to have dinner with, laugh with me, watch movies with me, discuss things about life, laugh about how silly others are, travel the world and enjoy the world with me. 

Someone to hold to sleep at night. Someone who wants to hold me to sleep at night. Someone who looks forward to meeting me after a long day's work. 

That's what I want. 

And that someone also needs to love Jesus, show me more of Jesus, point me back to Jesus whenever I forget. Encourage me and remind me how good God is, how much He loves me. 

Daddy God, am I wrong to ask of all these? Is it too much to ask? Is that being needy? Am I using the man to fill the gap that only You can fill? 

I'm afraid of doing all of that. Cos I do not wish to replace you. I want You to be first. But I don't really know if I am placing You first. I don't know if I am doing things right. And when people come along to correct me, there's so many and everyone has their opinions and when all of that adds up, it just seems like too much to do. 

Help me lord. Lead me and guide me lord. 

Angry

I'm really angry. 

All because some people do not listen. My prayer for open doors is to financial compliance. Yet all the news I received today (or last few days) are all negative. Bloody wet blanket. 

I hate it. Makes me angry! 

Why can't anyone encourage me?! 

Already my situation isn't the best.  

And what more, the bloody air ticket for  Mel's wedding cannot be refunded. Pissed me off even more! 

A death happened. So the wedding is cancelled. Why can't they be nice and refund me on goodwill! It's not like I didn't wana travel there! 

I will make a last call tomorrow. And fine! If I can't get the refund then I shall leave it as is. Not going to bother. 

If I get to go to South Africa with Cheryl, I won't even bother about the $280. But it's just ridiculous!

As if I don't have other things to worry about or get upset about. 

😡

I read Steven furtick's book and it makes me upset too! 

I wonder if I really should be moving jobs! I do like some of the things I enjoy yet I really hate some things I do and the worst is that I cannot see any future in this job! Especially not one where I will see my pay increase cos people are just not willing to pay in this industry. 

I need help. I really don't know what to do. God help me. 

Porcupine

I feel like a porcupine although I know I am not. But sometimes when I make mistakes, when I say the wrong thing, when I am not watchful of what I say or do, I end up feeling like a porcupine. 

When a porcupine is scared, the "hairs" stands up!! And it pokes anything that's in the way regardless of whether there was a deliberate attack or the item just happened to be in the path. 

So often it gets stuck with leaves, items that get stuck in its hair. And then someone has to clean it off or it has to find someway to remove the items. 

Feels that way for me. When I am in fear, when I am scared - scared of rejection, scared of the pain that comes along with rejection etc, my spikes goes up! 

And I end up pricking or scratching those that's around me. 

I miss his company and chats. I feel somewhat sad. At the same time I also feel a sense of relief that he is no longer talking to me. The seeming pain that I feel no longer threatens the peace in my world. 

And this is when I get more depressed. Cos the devil starts telling me in first person how useless I am, that I cannot even get along with someone of the opposite sex. What a failure I am. And how I would never be able to overcome this fear and so I would never be able to find my life partner. 

He also whispers that the counsellor is right - I cause fear and pain. I push people away. How endearing can that be for a guy to want to stick around? 

A guy who perhaps has his own issues might. Cos he too has fears so he puts up with shit that others give to him in hopes that they would put up with his issues. 

At least that was how I functioned. N it got me nowhere. 

Just pain, sadness, hopelessness, fear, distrust, feeling undesirable nor wanted. 

I really need to break this vicious cycle. 

God said that I AM a masterpiece. My abba father said that I am PRECIOUS!! I am His Handiwork! 

He says He knows His plans for me and they are plans for hope and a future! 

Jesus came and paid the price for me. How can I Tink that I am worthless?! How can I Tink that I am useless and unlovable?! 

Why would I even bother getting jealous when God knows His plans for me?! 

Whoever that he brings along my path would be someone whom He thinks is good and has the potential. So why worry that Jeann would steal Leonard away?! 

If they end up getting together then they were meant to be! He wasn't meant to be with me! Cos God knows it all! 

So why bother feeling jealous?! Why bother trying to fight and fend for myself?! 

I don't know. I really don't know Lord. And I am really struggling with that jealousy. Logically it doesn't make sense. And I am in no position to nor have a right to. Yet I feel that way. Why?! 

Why Lord?! 

I do not want to be destroyed by my emotions. But it's so hard. There are so many tots. N they are all not good. 

Why should I even bow out of the "game"?! Why? 

Cos I am not good enough? That's a LIE! I AM good enough. I am worthy of someone's attention. I AM more precious than rubies. 

I am loving, caring, compassionate, kind and gentle. The Holy Spirit lives in me!! So He manifests the fruit of the spirit! 

Oh Lord. Help me! 

“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

Galatians 5:16-17, 19-23 NLT

http://bible.com/116/gal.5.16-17,19-23.nlt

Challenges in life

2016 somehow didn't start too well albeit the tiny lucky draw I won. 

It was followed by many issues. My finances, work challenges, health and now relationships. 

I certainly do not know why I am reacting the way I am. And it will be really easy to find reasons to justify. 

But that's not what I want. 

Praise God that today He showed me how I am being renewed like the Eagles. They were renewed at age 40. I JUST turned 40!!! 

So feathers get plucked off, beak and claws get pulled out. 

Feels that way too. Physically I am getting restructured so I don't have to go through all the aches and pains when I grow older. I actually get the opportunity now to strengthen my muscles!!! Praise God. 

And as much as I don't like it, as much as my flesh rears its ugly head toward both Jeann and Leonard, I too know that God is using this opportunity to restructure me mentally and emotionally. 

And I don't know how it is going to happen. I only know it takes time. Heaps of time. Time that I don't feel I have. 

But I guess the physical illness is teaching me some patience. 

I hope that my emotional illness will also be healed and I can deal well with the situation. 

Seriously, I don't know what else I can do already. I know I should talk to Leonard. But about what? What do I say? When is a good time? 

The last messages I left him were questions to which he didn't reply. I don't know what to feel toward him either. And I really don't know what to do. Should I even call now. Or don't bother. Just give us both time? 

As for Jeann, I really wana share with her but seriously, she is too pushy for my liking and I am withdrawing. 

Yea I know she cares. However I definitely do not respond well to pressure. So what do I do? 

Sigh..... God .... Help me. 

What's wrong with me!!! Correct me of all my wrong thinking. 

God's heart

God must love me very much. Through all the perils in my life, He has saved me several times. I'm sure it is not so that I can suffer but that I can enjoy this life that He has given me. 

The world seems to think that life should be perfect without any problems; especially since I am Christian. But that isn't the truth. 

AND regardless of whether life is good or full of challenges, God is good! This is something I need to remember. Regardless of whether my prayers come to pass or I don't get what I want, God loves me. 

I need to trust Him, and know that He has all authority and power to give me what I want. BUT it is at His timing! AND only He knows if what I am asking for is good for me. 

I am troubled by my CGL knowing all my guys friends and absconding them as her own. I need to be careful with her. But I also have to remember that all the fears are from the devil. The lies he sows are to separate people. 

God is my protector. He is for me, so who can be against us? Romans 31. God is in control. There's no way my CGL can "steal" the man that God has set aside for me. So be in peace!!! 

I choose to trust God. I must remember that God loves me no matter what is happening to me in my life right now. 

His gifts to me does not reflect His love for me. His gifts to me does not reflect my righteousness cos what I do can never be enough. I am righteous cos of Christ Jesus. 

Defeat

There is so much inside that I want to say, complain, share, let out. But who can I say them to?

Jesus already knows about it. Every time I go for my walks/runs, I cry to Him. I dont know what else to do.

I just dont want to feel all the pain, hurts, disappointments and regrets anymore.

I know Jesus is in control. I know God is bigger than all the mistakes I have made and many others that I have yet to make. I know He has great plans for me and love me heaps, to have saved me so many times from ending my life.

Jesus, how do I get out of all of this? How can I have all my past erased so I dont feel the pain anymore? How can I look forward and move forward as I am meant to?

I feel so defeated.

The pigs with the ring in their snout

How Lord How do I recognise the pigs going around with the beautiful ring in their snouts?! 

Just as I was unable to see that Jeremy is a pig and till now I still waver about him being a pig, I still do not quite know how to recognise which men in the long run are not good for me. 

Jeremy was "calculative" when we went out. Dating or not. N I had tot he was generous cos he took me home (at least in the beginning) and paid for some of my stuff. 

But i guess his generosity is selective. Not that we all aren't. We are too. But I think generous people generally are not selective bout being generous. 

A generous person will not pay the bill and then make comments about how expensive the food was. Jeremy had a knack of doing that whenever we went to fancy places. Obviously he doesn't do that when we go to hawker centre and all but yea... The fancy places.... 😔

N of cos he didn't treat me well. He definitely has issues. But somehow I couldn't see that. Probably cos I am not perfect either and I tot each of us needed compassion. Well I needed compassion so I didn't want to judge either. But I guess I wasn't able to differentiate between having compassion and letting someone hurt me. 

So Lord or Lord open my eyes and help me to see the men whom are not good for me and help me to walk far away from them. They are still my friends and brothers but no more than that. 

And if I should speak so that I can help them, then show me lord. 

I don't want to "hunt" anymore. It is tiring. Help me to see the meaning of life and enjoy the life n it's fruits that I have given me. 

Lies

What a good reminder - Look to JESUS!! 

He is my everything!! He is ALL my solutions!! He is ALL my providence!! 

How I feel, the impatience, the economic forcasts, the demands at work.... They have all been dealt with my Jesus already. I might not have seen the outcome yet.  But that doesn't mean that He hasn't provided. 

He has and the devil is trying to bluff me by getting me to focus on what I can see so I forget how faithful God is. 

FOCUS ON JESUS and ALL WILL BE WELL!! 

Ostracised

Good news is everywhere. 

And the warning against listening to the lies of the devil seems to have been muffled. 

Once again my good sista from Cg is attached. And I feel that those getting attached should be attached. There's nothing wrong with them. 

N for those unattached- me, Ruth, Sarah, Michelle..... I just feel like there's something wrong with us. We r somehow flawed that's why no one has wanted us thus far. 

Ruth n I have a temper. Sarah too is v strong willed. 

Will we ever have someone?! It's really painful to keep trusting and believing and yet not see thing happening. 

After such a long time, I really feel like giving up. On everything. Work, relationship, etc. I just want to waste away. I just want to die. 

Even though I have identified Jeremy as a pig wearing the ring on its snout, still, I miss him. Can't understand why. I just hate it. 

To the extent I want to just cut all ties with the world. 

I'm actually upset that he hasn't called me back or invited me to visit. It's all just words. 

And I just saw his profile pictures. There's nothing special bout him. In fact he looks fat! So why oh why I cannot let it go. 

Help me Lord! 

Let this be a year of rest and not stress. Let this be a year of enjoyment! 

Welcome!

I thank God for taking me back to Singapore. Although I had a rather difficult adjustment period and I still don't feel like I have fully adjusted, I am glad that I found peace before 2015 ended. 

Thank you for the awesome year I had and an amazing year that I will have moving forth. 

I know God has great plans for me. He said it Himself. He also said that He would make me a great leader just like Deborah the judge. 

And I trust God - that if He said it, it is settled! Doesn't matter what my circumstances say. Doesn't matter how I feel - bout myself or the world or my situations. 

Through the discussion cum argument I had with Wesley boy I got to read the bible. And i love every bit of it and all the time I spent n especially the revelations I had. 

It's not someone else's revelation but my own. It's not what jp said or Joel Osteen but the Holy Spirit. 

I also realise how easy it is to be tempted. Been praying for a reconciliation with Jeremy. To be given a second chance. And the minute I identity him as a pig with a gold ring in his stout I get an email fr him. 

Sigh. 

As much as I wish it is a God move, a God appointment I am mindful that it can also be the work of the devil to distract me. 

I just cleared myself of commitments to AGS which really strained me. There was nothing I could do and I was appalled by the behaviour of some people. It was draining me rather than having me accomplish great things. 

Yes no doubt it could also have been my attitudes n mindset that got in the way. If it was different perhaps I could have done more. 

Whatever it is, I know that now is not the time. 

For now, it's doing what I need so I can change my job - to get into banking compliance in AML. 

And well, along the way, enjoy the time and journey with ministry friends, dwelling in God's words, and then doing my favourite thing - travelling. 

I want to go to places to eat the things I like n I want to see the places where Paul went. Read bout those cities and how they are now. I Wana see the roman capital - both new n old before Constantine's time. 

Life is meant to be enjoyed. N that is my intention - to enjoy life. 

Don't Wana be bound by worried bout money and relationships anymore. 

Like what Ruth said - if the guy isn't here yet, it means it's not the right time. God wants me for Himself. 

Can get little angry at that. Cos sounds selfish. Yet there's so much love in that. God wants me for Himself!! 

Amazing!!