Soul mate/ Suddenly Seventeen

Most would read the title and think it is about relationships - BGR relationships. But no. This is about a China production called Soul Mate 七月与安生。
Its about 2 girls and their friendship since they were 13. Made me miss my friend Julie heaps. She's been long gone. Since 17. I wonder how life would have been like if she did not pass away. More so, if her mom was not so insistent to separate us. I wonder how my life would have ended up. She was a friend that I had that I loved. She gave me courage to do things that I never did. I guess in many ways, she was the one who taught me how to rebel.

Time flies. Although I do not feel nor look 40-41, 20 odd years has already flown past. All the past hurts and pains have also dulled with time. I do wonder what my life would have been like if we had not been separated. Would she still have died?

If that didnt happen, would I still have gone to JC? What would I have become like? Would I have gone overseas? And would I have made all the choices that I made 20 odd years ago?

My daughter probably would be turning 21 this year.

And the Movie Suddenly Seventeen just brings back regrets. So many things that I loved that I gave up. I love music. I love playing the piano. But I have no time. I waste it watching korean dramas, US dramas and doing everything that is unuseful.

20 odd years have passed. I have not formed a family. Neither have I struck it rich. Nor do I have a great body to show. I am not at the peak of my career either. And "climbing" the corporate ladder is really tiring. I keep wanting to give up.

I know all takes time. But i keep feeling that I have no time.

There are so many things that I want to do. The way I respond, the choices I want to make. Yet somehow in reality the way I respond is so different from what I had in mind. The choices I make is so different from what I want. Why?

I have been crying out for help but yet I seem to have achieved none.

Lord, am I lacking? Have I not given my best? Then what should I do? What should I change? Help me to change Lord. I do not want to live this life like this for the next 40-80 years.

I want to do what I love, yet I do not know what it is. I do love the chinese language. In fact, I have a certain perfection that I like in my life that just cos I fall short of it I give up.

Help me Holy Spirit. I cannot keep giving up. I cannot keep running away. No matter how difficult, I need to press on. Help!