It started with not trusting Him to deliver in relationships but slowly it spread to all other areas of my life. Although I saw His miracles, I no longer believed in Him fully.
I think that made my life quite miserable. I fell into depression. Of vis there were events that catalyst the situation. But if my journey, my relationship with God was slightly different, with more trust, perhaps life wouldn't have been so difficult.
Regardless, although I am not where I want to be, I am also not where I once was.
I'm pretty sure that God is teaching me something during the whole time. Not sure how much i learnt and when I started to be open and teachable. But I DO know that I AM learning. And I am thankful. It is not my doing but His. I couldn't be,p me learn if He didn't soften my heart.
I guess I kinda understand the phrase people often use "coming to the end of self". I really can't see how I can improve my situations.
In relationships - with so many failed relationships and nothing on the horizon PLUS failed attempts of starting a relationship with Jeremy, Melvin, Leonard, you name it, I am sick and tired. Something has gotta change. I got start being nicer to people, not judge so much. Cos any time, actually often, I have been in their shoes. Done something that was not the norm and probably pissed people off. Eg taking elderly seats when I am too tired. Not giving up my seat when I see a need coz I just didn't want to.
So why should I have the luxury to do all that while others don't?
I also reply too fast. Faster than I can understand what I am feeling or what I want to say. And I fall into the trap of answering s question even if it's a dumb question, rather than directing the conversation so it goes where I want it to.
There's is nothing else that I can do in the area of relationship. No matter what I do, say or buy, I. Ant more favour than I do now - in the office with my colleagues, with the people that I work with on projects, in my Cg, with men, etc. If God doesn't provide the favour, nothing is possible. Nothing is smooth. It all becomes too difficult. Sometimes so difficult that I don't even want to try to reach out to others.
And same for my job. It's closed doors. I KNOW He can provide. I KNOW He can open doors. But hey are all shut. So..... Surrender. Not only to the job, but also the responsibilities that I have been given. Even if I don't like it, don't believe I can do well, nor am I given much, my trust lies in God. Only He can provide. Favour, jobs, whatever, u name it.
Only He can help me overcome. Only He can fill me with the ideas.
With this new concert project, I guess I realise that I am quite ok Foong budgets and getting things moving. I don't hold it to people for their lack of response or delayed response. I understand that that is how they are, and I learn to deal with them. I push people for an answer. A job that many don't like coz they don't want to take blame. Nor do they like to. One across as pushy.
Oh wells, I can only look at one day at a time. KNOW that my choices today impact my tomorrow and many years down the road. Understand that there will be dreams that have passed and never return.
But also know that my God, my Abba Father is a God of miracles. Nothing is impossible for Him. So He CAN cause miracles to happen. And I will trust in Him. If He hasn't moved, then it's not time yet or there's no need.
Thanks You Abba for loving me. Thank you Jesus for coming as man to suffer and die for me. Thank You that the Holy Spirit is always here beside me to guide me, comfort me, and protect me.
Amen!
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